One Perfect Mess

Archive for October, 2009

I find myself frequently thinking thoughts about how life would be with only one child. Not so much what it would be like to have an only child and never have any others, more like what daily life would be like with just one. It goes like this:

Wow, if Weebles was my only child I could spend this rainy afternoon curled up napping with her.

or..

If Weebles was still my only baby it wouldn’t be a problem to sit up with her all night letting her sleep in my lap. It was so much easier for her to sleep that way when she was sick.

or..

Think of all the fun stuff my preschooler and I could go out and do together if it were just us.

It isn’t always my firstborn that gets that sort of speculation either.

If Peanut had been born first I could have just held him all day long when he was so colic-y. I actually DID hold him the vast majority of the day but of course still had another child to look after.

or..

If Peanut were the only baby I bet I could get him to co-sleep more and get more rest at night.

I have an enormous amount of guilt when I find myself having these thoughts because DUH I love both my kids to pieces. The one on one dynamic is something I miss sometimes though. Because when there is one baby and one mom it is easier to be on their schedule. Easier to cater to their needs and practice solid attachment parenting. With two I sometimes feel like no matter how much I’m hitting it out of the ballpark for one child the other is just having a so-so day. Then of course there are the days nobody has a good day.. but let’s not go there.

Things are definitely getting easier and easier though. As Peanut gets older he has been able to play with his sister more and more. Now he eats a lot of the same foods she does so feeding schedules are getting easier to manage. And maybe one day, if all the planets align and joy and sunshine rain down from the heavens, I will have a night where they both sleep well and I actually get to bed at a decent time.

And that, I’m sure, will be just in time for baby number three to arrive and send us all straight back to square one.

This past week I so did not get myself a Happy Meal at McDonald’s after doing the weekly shopping and then lie to my preschooler when I got home. The girl SMELLED the fries on my breath and said all excitedly… FRIES?!?! I most certainly did not tell her, “no honey, no fries here, LOOK I brought you some more dishwashing detergent…”

It was absolutely not me that got so excited about the Alice.com promotion where they include samples in certain boxes that I divided my order into three shipments in hopes of getting one. Nope, I would never compromise the environment in such a fashion. Speaking of which, probably need to order some Purell.

It could not possibly have been me that allowed my nine month old to get hold of a sippy cup containing Kool Aid this weekend. We have been pulling out all the stops to get our sick daughter to drink something, a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. puhlease, and Kool Aid was just one of the many attempted bribes. But I never would have been so careless as to leave the cup where my cruising son might find it, surely.

I also certainly did not get up and go to work this morning even though I felt absolutely horrible from a head cold just because going to work is actually easier than taking care of two small, also sick, children. I also did not consider the fact I could stop and get McDonald’s for breakfast as a compelling reason to go in.

I DID however participate in Mckmama’s “Not Me! Monday” So much fun! Thanks

Little Man,

Today you are nine months old. You love your sippy cup and feeding yourself cheerios. You aren’t too interested in feeding yourself anything else though, go figure. Help a mama out and eat some fruit and veggies every now and again. You are getting really good at standing while holding onto something, you even tried to let go a few times yesterday. You also like to climb up in your sister’s chairs to try to reach things that are too high for you. Please stop doing that, you are going to give mama a heart attack.

You still aren’t too interested in toys unless they involve helping you to stand. If your sister is trying to play with something sometimes you will decide to go steal it from her. You haven’t been sleeping worth anything lately. It is getting kind of hard on your old mama. I am hoping to start bringing you downstairs more soon so I won’t have to wake up as often but you still seem to love your crib for sleeping above everywhere else.

You have really taken to your blankie just like your big sister. You have two we switch between and I keep waiting for you to show a preference for one or the other. We got you your first Pedipeds recently in anticipation of your walking some this fall. You don’t know what to make of them and why your feet all of a sudden can’t feel the floor. That’s okay, you’ll get the hang of it.

Your hair is really starting to get long in some spots and fill in everywhere else. Your daddy was wondering the other day how long it would be before you need a hair cut. Yikes. A first hair cut is going to be hard on mama, but probably not as hard as it will be when that time comes for your sister.

Sometimes I wish that you would sit still a little more. I miss being able to spend quiet time with you playing and talking but you are just so busy right now. No time for it. Your big drooly grins make me feel better though.

I wonder what your first words are going to be. You have started babbling more… but probably not as much as you would if the Weebles wasn’t around. I think you let her take the lead a little too often and don’t make your own voice heard enough. You sister loves you so much. Everything she does she says “Drew too?” I give her a cracker and she says “Drew some? Drew some cracker?” I ask her if she wants to go on a walk and she says “Drew go too?” I hope the two of you are always close.

I can’t believe you are well on your way to your first birthday. I am so proud of you my little baby. Keep on learning and growing.. but please consider stopping to hang out with your mama every now and again.

Love,
Me

I haven’t been away from my children over five hours in their entire lives. Just short of 26 months of nearly continuous around the clock care. Even when I had my second son, I was nursing my daughter right up until the minute we left the house and I gave birth less than an hour later. I didn’t even manage a few hours without a child hanging on me then. I love being with my children and I am so lucky to get to raise them instead of having to send them to day care to spend the majority of their time with someone else. That being said, it really is a job. I’m not sitting at home all day taking naps and watching HGTV.

I go to work two mornings a week. My job is only about 10 minutes from the house and I can leave whenever necessary. I only stay about three and a half hours so that I can be home to feed the kids lunch and get them down for their naps. Once or twice I have gone to a hockey game or a get together with friends, and I mean quite literally once or twice. I think my daughter has slept through the night five or six times ever. I’m just trying to wrap my head around just how little time I have had “off” in the last two years. Compounding matters is the fact my baby still refuses to have any sort of nap schedule. Some days he’ll take two short naps, other days he’ll take one long one. Some days he won’t take any at all. At nine months.. yeah I know shoot me. Most days I don’t have even one minute between the time Andrew leaves at seven thirty until he gets home after six. Then it is the dinner/bath/bedtime battle that often doesn’t end until nine. My son often wakes for the day shortly after five. I am totally burned out. As in totally, 100% I don’t think I can do this another day burned out. I actually yelled at my two year old today “I’m a person too you know!” Sigh.

I try my hardest to follow an attachment parenting philosophy and admittedly it is really kicking my ass with two so small at the same time. Neither child has ever put up with baby wearing and even if they had I would still have had a hard time carrying one child while wearing the other. I breastfeed both on demand still and am very committed to child led weaning. When they cry I go to them day or night. That’s what parents are for. I don’t think either of them are old enough to handle the emotional fall out from being made to deal with feeling abandoned in the name of toughening them up. Sure it would make my life easier if they didn’t bother calling out for me when they needed me but I don’t believe that cry it out makes the need go away. It just teaches them their needs won’t be met.

At any rate I am at the point of having to admit that I need some time away. Be it a babysitter a couple of afternoons a week, part time preschool for my daughter, or a night or two a week to be off duty… something has to give. Mama needs to recharge her batteries…